If they get a promotion do you feel a pang of jealousy that you havent got a promotion? I am always very busy with the many projects I create for myself, and prioritize those other things in life because I find it more fulfilling than socializing, relaxing, etc. Ive said this before but compatibility around ambition is a big one. When I met my husband, he was a free-spirit academic as you say (aka struggling graduate student) making less money than your husband does. More ambitious than my boyfriend, concerned we have different live You just arent confident whether he has any ambition to do so, and youre worried that if he doesnt have that ambition, he wont be a good long-term match for you. Having a safe space to talk about where both of you are at can help facilitate a more constructive conversation. What kind of house (and where)? I went to a state school that was nearly free and then jumped straight into the workforce. Thanks for sharing this. ), How To Save Your Skin From Maskne And Keep It Glowing, How To Get Glowing Skin: 3 Genius Tips You Havent Tried, The Simple Trick Meghan Markle Uses To Get More Energy, The Best Thing To Do First Thing In The Morning, How To Use The Gratitude Journal To Live A Happier Life, How To Manage Your Money: 5 Simple Tips You Can Master, How To Prepare Yourself For A Super Successful Monday, The Perfect Morning Routine According To Your Personality Type, Whats On My Desk? An even better thought experiment is: if you suddenly found you and your partner penniless tomorrow, could you work through it together, supporting each other, and sharing the same ethics and values about having not very much and little or no way to get more? My boyfriend took the academic and free-spirit route, attending a prestigious private university for undergrad, teaching abroad for a few years, and then getting a Masters degree from an Ivy League university. We are also a tech hub and I work in software sales. Im going to echo what Mark said above. Frankly, if I read your post as your boyfriend, I would just run away. Dedicated boyfriend but unemployed and unambitious, should i end it? It's always a bad idea to try to change a man, especially if he is content with the way things are. In a couple of years, maybe hell buckle down and push for more in his career. All Rights Reserved, Our site uses cookies. We talk about finances, responsibilities, expectations, last will and testaments, and more. Surely. So what if his salary is much less? For more information, please see our We can focus on it later. I realized that a lot of people had ended relationships because they earned more money than their boyfriend, or because they couldnt deal with dating a career driven woman. I care about him so much and he has been great to me. Then again, Ive also out-earned all of my boyfriends, including my current one (though we are equally matched as far as education) and its never bothered me. But in that case you just have to keep being ambitious, move towards yo. As long as youre both having fun and are happy,who careswho is the more successful one? That lack of ambition can really frustrate people and bring to light some serious questions about the future of the relationship. Should You Date A Less Ambitious Person? A Relationship Expert "Our social world is a critical and overlooked part of health," Dr. Harding says. Posted December 27, 2017 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma Key points In the case of a. I am hardworking too, but I am struggling to find my own form of success. Over the years, he has reached to nearly 50X his original salary of when I met him 13 years ago. And it got me thinking and talking to my friends. Education and hard work were instilled in him from an early age. However, as his girlfriend, I do not feel enthusiastic about giving him career advice, and I certainly dont want to make him feel bad. Ive made a few subtle comments encouraging him to explore other opportunities, but he seems to be happy where he is and has even implied that he thinks he makes a good salary. I can see what this LW is getting at, but I think shes making a lot of assumptions right now. Archived post. A few weeks ago, friends were talking and casually saying I was the more successful one in the relationship. Privacy Policy. Theres so much to being a good match beyond financial earnings. Be As Encouraging As Possible, But Don't Be . In the study of 105 men, researchers laid out several scenarios. Dear Wendy, I've been dating my boyfriend for six months and it's going great - he is kind, smart, funny, creative, attractive, and good to me. By that I mean, he may have more markers of attractiveness than she does, so that to most of the people they run into, he will be ranked as more attractive than her. I wish you the best and I really hope you are able to find what you are looking for. Ugh. Just throwing it out there, would the two of you consider him staying home while the kids are young? It would NOT get you a large house downtown, as far as I know. In my field I could make a lot more working for a bank, but I dont want to entirely sell my soul to capitalism. We all have baseline things we look for in a partner. However, an unhappy marriage would definitely make both home miserable. Life isnt 50/50, its giving your 100% (which can vary.. sometimes your 100% is only 30%). New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I see why you feel like you're putting more effort into the relationship than he is, but I'm not sure that your boyfriend would agree. The Ambition Gap - Men Losing Work Drive Relationship problems that arise when your partner lacks ambition. His wallet? He lives at home with his parents and is employed by the family business, working in sales on a crappy wage, which he doesn't enjoy but he's not bothered about career prospects and the like. He is more ambitious and career driven than me : r/dating - Reddit Then I got cancer and had to leave my job. And its probably one reason why you feel confident in his ability to earn more money. How To Date Ambitious Men | Get The Guy Editor's Note: Strong relationships are at the core of a happy life, but sometimes, dealing with the . Celebrate each other's wins. With that said, what bothers me about your letter is the judgemental tone toward your boyfriend. Nothing wrong with that at all, but he did not have any type of plan; not even a job, when he decided to drop out and move back home. I made the mistake of following my college sweetheart to a big city where he was able to grow in his career. and our Required fields are marked *. I dont expect him to make these sacrifices because he really is very much driven. But beyond that, what kind of life does he envision sharing with his partner and these kids? I measure my own success totally differently to how I think of my boyfriend, hes trying to do real good in the world and working really hard to provide for us, while I have the luxury of following a career in exactly what I want to do. Maybe its just piling on, but while theres nothing wrong with being ambitious, calling a 3-4 bedroom urban house with patio and rooftop modest is just not accurate. But tbh, one of us has to and i honestly dont mind doing that because i know i want to end up with him in the future. And until recently, I didnt think it could ever be a problem. Is this a situation that can be rectified with the right approach, or do I need to choose between accepting life as the super-breadwinner or breaking up due to financial incompatibility? By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Being a GOOD parent is not how much you produce (glitter encrusted art projects/fancy sandwiches etc), its just showing up and being consistent and loving. He agreed with all these things but I don't think he really understood. Thats enough for me because the happiness I have with him is priceless. He just wants me to be happy, which I love, but I need him to find purpose too, without feeling pushy or ridiculous for wanting him to have something going in life. Are you trying to create a life for them that they don't want? 1. A few weeks ago you gave me advice (LW 2) when I was excluded from my fiancs nieces graduation ceremony and now I have another question. This reads less like LW wants a true partnership, which will not always be 50/50, and more like LW wants her relationship to align more with traditional roles. A nice, updated single family home in our area is easily $850k and that was a couple of years ago. tl;dr: I'm very ambitious and I feel like my boyfriend of 3 years, who lacks ambition, is holding me back (not willing to move out of his parents' house, look for a graduate job etc). That he needs to find things to do in order to build references instead of staying home all the time. At any rate, as you discuss some of the aforementioned themes and questions with your boyfriend, the context of our current situation needs to be considered, if not explicitly addressed. This revelation changed the way I think about our relationship, I learned some hard lessons. You think he can earn a lot more. This letter writer can fuck all the way off. 16. What Are Financial Red Flags In A Relationship? 11 Signs Your Todays letter is answered by columnist and blogger, Billie Criswell. come to those who sign up for our emails. (And to that end, how much does religion factor into your lives? I feel a lot of potential for a future . Why are young women more ambitious than men? I would consider gaming like drugs, gambling or porn in excess, too much can create a problem. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Answer (1 of 10): You can't make a person ambitious if they're not. Im in a big city that I consider pretty affordable certainly more affordable than NYC, DC, SF, etc. 13 Things You'll Love And Hate About Dating An Ambitious Person Surabhi Nijhawan Updated on May 18, 2016, 09:00 IST - 1.2 K Shares Being with an ambitious person isn't easy. He is anything but lazy in his hobbies and personal interests, but that ambition doesnt seem to cross over into his career. I believe this has so much to do . My boyfriend and I live together, and we both work from home. This question was answered by Jody Adewale, a clinical psychologist who specializes . Just be honest. I know you want all the answers right now and you dont want to continue pursuing a relationship that may not have a long-term future, but two things: When its wrong, you often know right away, but when its right, it can take a couple years to confirm that; and, living through a pandemic isnt normal. I've been working everyday since I graduated university 3 years ago. Out at dinner, Jacob had little to say in a group of dynamic people who were moving forward in their lives. Reddit, Inc. 2023. Healthy Relationships: Definition, Why They're Good for You, and How to And if you HAVE seen signs of that, this would be a good time to cut your losses and move on already. My boyfriend is more accomplished than me, and it makes me insecure Said I loved him and want to be together eventually. How do I talk to my boyfriend about his professional motivation and his problematic gaming without starting a fight or making him feel bad? Software sales is not a super secure field. It might not be near what the LW gets (few people earn that much), but its not exactly poverty level either. Will Your Boyfriend's Lack of Motivation Drag You Down? - She Blossoms This letter is very materialistic and entitled. I am single but am ambitious and driven, something that has scared some men away since they find it intimidating but really everybody has their own definition of the success and happiness that should be determined by the two of you(when in a relationship) and not by society. Even during university we were together all five years and I never thought to be jealous of his better grade or project then mine. All of the above are well within reach on my salary and/or savings alone its not an issue of having enough money. And just because one is earning more than another at one point in time, doesnt mean that will be the case forever. Honestly, I think these are more pressing concerns than whether your boyfriend will resent you for making more money if there hasnt thus far been any sign that he resents you now for seemingly making more money. Need help with your relationship? Wenn Sie Ihre Auswahl anpassen mchten, klicken Sie auf Datenschutzeinstellungen verwalten. Breaking up with someone over money just feels wrong (and unfair without a discussion first) and its simply not what I want. It's the twenty-first century . First off, I'm sorry if this doesn't belong here, I posted in relationship_advice but had no luck. And ambition? Wow, the materialism of this LW! He just doesn't seem to have the same ambitions. Ive also observed that our happiness as a couple and as individuals has definitely not correlated completely positively with income increases. How has your own socialization affected your vision of what a family should look like what a marriage should look like and how might that vision affect your pursuit of happiness? But Im concerned about the following, given such a large discrepancy between our finances: 1. He lives at home with his parents, I've been living in a dorm. Scan this QR code to download the app now. We've been through so many hard times and he has supported me so much (I dropped out of university last year due to depression and have had to deal with coming home to live with my parents, who I don't get along with) - he really is the nicest person I know and I'm so grateful for him constantly putting up with all my BS. I live in Brooklyn with my husband, son and daughter. Sign up for our newsletter, ABOUT| CONTACT|PRIVACY TERMS|AFFILIATE DISCLOSURE, Copyright 2016,Girl Daily Media LLP. Get on the list on multiple occasions, he has admitted that he has a very laidback attitude towards life, but i don't see him making any solid changes either. I have a Pinterest "Inspiration" board that's filled with quotes about chasing your dreams and . When I was dating, I was more educated than and out-earned a lot of the men I went out with and that was never an issue for me. Is this a form of avoidance that's helping him get through the day? TV Presenter And Entrepreneur Marissa Montgomery, Whats On My Desk? I would want someone more interesting than that. In a nutshell, I'm your ambitious, overachieving, 20 something. People around us started the conversation off, but we knew whatever they were saying wastheirdefinition of success, not ours. Appalling! Your email address will not be published. Here's how a few people who have experienced this issue cope with it, courtesy of Whisper. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I said I worried about his future even if it's not with me. Dealing with an Asymmetric Relationship | Psychology Today Yes, of course, a concern about being mismatched is always valid in a relationship if there are signs you arent in alignment. We are going to take a while to commit. Are you on the same page in that regard?) My Fiancs Ex Just Died and He Wont Stop Posting About How Much He Loved Her, My Daughter Is Leading on A Guy Who Would Be Perfect for My Other Daughter, My Boyfriend Did Drugs and Lied About It. I've always been very driven, having worked full-time in a well-paid marketing job for a couple of years before heading off to uni for a change of scene. 5. You talk about sending children to a Jewish school. hide caption, There's no quick fix for trying to motivate someone. It doesn't matter the gender - it can wear down anybody. Archived post. Instead of questioning how emasculated your boyfriend would feel by having a wife who earns a lot more, think about how YOU would feel having a husband who earns so much less. As long as you can laugh about it, you know youre not taking yourself or the relationship too seriously. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. If you have to stop talking about work because you fear itll make him jealous, you need to take a big ol time out and get to the bottom of the problem. I hear this from couples all the time: "I don't want to say anything because it's going to turn into a fight." Being able to roll with the punches is important. My Boyfriend Has No Ambition, and It Bothers Me What Should I Do? Photographs by Ussama Azam and Clay Banks/Unsplash; Collage by Becky Harlan/NPR. right now, since we're both young, this lack of ambition won't have any direct implications on me but we are both in this for the long run and i can't see myself being okay with this at a time when we would possibly be building a life together.